When you left me without any reason, you unconsciously made me understand that you prefer solitude to myself. Another girl I could admit it was better, done better than me, but loneliness? For me who knew her only from afar, it was empty, it was everything that everyone on earth was leaking. I myself am also dive then, to understand and then because I was that kind of person who model his personality on that of the others that she loves. As I thought loneliness was terrible and painful. The lack of your presence, and later with any presence was unbearable. I knew that loneliness was not the same as if we chose, or if it is subjected. I tried to choose. Thinking of you living at the same instant the same agony as myself. Thus, I felt close to you, I had dreams where we were so close, it seemed that clock we were reconciled, whereas we did not speak again. I do not know if I really managed to be alone with his thoughts, physically, anyway, I was. I had also registered under a false name on the network and follow your updates. I bought the same books as you, I understand sometimes but in general they remained piled on the stack of books to read. I watched the same movies as you, had the same interests, opinions than you. With all these documents in hand trying to grab you, and especially of divinization finally understand what was in solitude, in your solitude, to have erased my existence.
Finally, after a few years, I have deciphered all the books and loved these films complicated, I had a strong culture and thought. Often not knowing what was your opinion on this or that (the network did not say all), I reflected on my own, of course, imagining what you would have told you but the reasoning was like mine. Yes, I had become someone more complex, intelligent, literate and sometimes, I dark thoughts, I despaired of the world, since it was apparently in hand. Of course if, at first I did all that love, you had become, with time and reflection, a simple virtual companion, an abstract figure which, therefore, satisfied all the desires and social needs which I remained . And that's about that time that the network you started "couple". It was a shock, we had such an aversion yet the couple, such a sentence. My opinion has not changed. On your picture you appeared to two. Then three. Your books, movies, your interests, opinions were nothing more than "family" sanitized. So you had chosen and preferred "that" the loneliness that you had already preferred to me? This woman I hated this woman smiling, a little stupid and simple, sweet, funny, warm. Then I remembered that I was not so different from her before. For two years we were happy we had lived for two, we achieved this we can forget ourselves, forget our faults and our pain, to leave and the other responsible for our happiness. Also two ugly and useless beings together formed this reassuring and wonderful "home" where everyone retreats. Maybe you'd feel the fear then hugged me thinking about it, the fear of being stuck, afraid to move the pain, fear not to do anything great alone or even if it is another thing-that losing everything. I knew then, I understood everything, I realized who you were, what you had sucked, I understood just when that person ceased to exist. I was as devoid of all reason and planted himself in the solitude of his bite deepest, most without ever leaving me.
0 comments:
Post a Comment